And now my head’s been filled with doubt…

I’ve had a lot of thoughts going through my head lately that I feel like I need to write about. I guess for starters I’ll say, this a post about my faith. Or at this point, lack of faith. I have doubts. Not in the fact that God is real, or in the fact that he loves me. It’s just that sometimes, despite all the assurances I get to the contrary, I doubt that everything’s going to turn out for my best. And lately, with the vast array of disappointments that seem to barrage me, these doubts seem to be getting stronger.

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Now’s as good a time as any to begin again

So I realize I’ve been silent for quite awhile.  That is bound to happen with me.  Writing for me is therapy, and sometimes I need that therapy more than others.  The past few weeks have been a little emotional for me, and that has little to do with the big events that have dominated the headlines… Namely the hurricane.  The stuff that is eating me is something I’d hesitate to blog about, since it’s a little personal to me.  I’ll tell you my opinions on many things, but there are some things I won’t talk about.  This may be one of them.

Then again, there is a good chance I’ll discuss it in my next entry.  Who knows?  What good is my therapy if I can’t talk about what’s eating me?

But I don’t want to start there.  I need a mood lightener tonight, and the best way I find to lighten my mood is to tell stories.  Here is the story of why I will no longer trust Disembodied Announcer Voices.  I have trust issues, I think.  Mine involve trusting strangers entirely too much, and not trusting my friends enough.  (I might have mentioned something that’s eating me right there…..  Therapy!)  Anyway, I’m way off my topic.  So here’s my story. Continue reading

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Yesterday’s gone, tomorrow’s an illusion

On Friday, I got the privilege of seeing a band I’d known about for many years, but only recently got into. Yes, there are others besides Crowder… This one would be Burlap to Cashmere (and as far as I know they don’t have plans to break up. Although it may take them another 13 years to come out with another album. Who knows?

This show was pretty intimate, which I enjoyed. Before the show, the band was hanging back at the bar, chatting with fans, etc. I saw them talking to a very short guy with long blond hair, who ended up being Martin Rivas, the opening act. He was good, nothing much to say about that. I was busy drinking vodka tonics and trying to look cute in case there were any single guys around. There weren’t.

Although, some guy tried to pick me up down the street from the venue, while I was killing time outside of a hat shop. He offered to buy me a hat and grab my butt and then wanted to go for drinks. Uhhh, no thanks. But even he was nowhere near the show.

After Martin Rivas, there was an intermission. And Jesus walked in, wearing a trench coat. OK, it wasn’t really Jesus, but he sure looked like the standard depictions of our Lord and Savior. It made the next hour or so seem somehow more blessed, however. Like maybe Jesus was there enjoying the music with us. I’m pretty sure he was…

And what can I say about Burlap? I’d seen them play before, about 4 months ago — the same day I met Brandon Heath. Everything was different though, this time around. The time of day, the venue, the weather…. So this time around I really wasn’t sure what to expect. Unlike the last time, there were no issues with the sound system. There were more people. There was alcohol. And there were extra band members. All of which made things that much better.

After I got over the fact that my cuteness didn’t attract any of the single guys in the crowd (darn!), I actually really enjoyed being there by myself, just standing in the back and enjoying the music. Burlap to Cashmere is a fun band to wach. They’re headed back to Sullivan Hall next month, and I’m looking forward to going back — whether or not I’m going alone remains to be seen.

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All This For A King

Today is a happy yet sad day for me. David Crowder Band’s latest album is out today, and I can’t wait to hear it. On the other hand, this will be their last, and I’m completely bummed. I will really miss them. In case all my blogs about them aren’t an indication, I’ve really come to appreciate the band and what they’ve done for worship music. They single handedly restored my faith that it doesn’t have t0 be boring. Because before I discovered them, that’s basically how I felt about that genre. Continue reading

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Waiting for something beautiful

“You may feel alone when you’re falling asleep
And every time tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you’ve yet to meet
Someday you will be loved.”

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Everybody wants to go to heaven… But nobody wants to die

It occurred to me just now that four years ago today, January 3, was probably the last time I saw my mom as a somewhat independent person. The last time I had a coherent conversation with her. Four years ago today she went into the hospital, because she felt like she was having a stroke. She left a couple weeks later doped up on pain killers and with a death sentence brought on by multiple myeloma. Four years is a long time not to speak to your mom. She may have died almost two months later, but her death began that day. The death of who she really was.

I think about it now as something factual and scientific, but that’s just now. Sometimes I get really sad, sometimes I get really mad. Sometimes I get happy that at the very least she is done suffering and sometimes I count the moments until I can be with her again. Death brings with it a jumble of emotions, especially the kind of death that cancer brings. Today I’m a bit numb. Sometimes the emotions are just too much.

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God is near

The other day I was listening to a song on Spotify. It was not a Christmas song, but it really articulated the entire meaning of Christmas in very few words. Yes, I know it’s a week late. I know it’s New Year’s Day. But I’m gonna do this anyway for several reasons. One, I really don’t want to have to wait another 51 weeks for Christmas to roll around again. Two, it’s not really a Christmas song, so it’s timely no matter what. As is the message of Christmas. Three, it’s still 5 days til Epiphany, so technically we’re on the seventh day of Christmas. I haven’t gotten seven swans a-swimming or anything else to commemorate the 7th day of Christmas, but that doesn’t mean it’s not still the Christmas season. Continue reading

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