Lived unbruised we are friends

I heard this song earlier today and it reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend this week. It was not an easy conversation, and I love having friends who can end even the difficult ones like this:

Friend: Thank you for not getting mad at me.

Me: Why would I be mad at you? I love you and I want you to be happy.

Friend: I love you too.

The best types of friendships, I believe, are the ones that bring out the good in you, and make you a better person in the process.

“Love it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be
There is a design, an alignment, a cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be”

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I’ve been wanting to write about this journey I’ve been on for awhile, but I’ve never really known what to say. I can talk a lot about this subject (and did at one point in a blog post, before I discarded the entire thing because it just got too long). I guess I’ll start with this…

I used to be fat. And it’s still a very strange thing for me to be able to add the “used to be” part, because a lot of the time I don’t really feel all that different. I know I’ve lost a lot of weight and fat, because I wear smaller sizes, can squish myself into smaller spaces, and see less chin in photos that are taken of me. But for some reason, I still don’t “feel” thin.

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I came across this, which I wrote on July 3, 2011, the eve of what would have been my mom’s 66th birthday.  I never shared it.  This month marks 5 years of being without her, so I figure I’ll start off the month with this.  It’s as much a tribute to my friends as it is to her.  I realize, the more I think about it, my friends have rather large shoes to fill, and I appreciate them for it.


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It is well with my soul

This is kind of a follow up to the blog I wrote 3 weeks ago. I can’t say I feel any better about my situation. I still doubt. I can’t help it. Faith in something you can’t see is hard, even though that really is the definition of faith. But tonight I learned that even though the situations might not be what I want, and that I might not be happy, I can still say it is well with my soul. Continue reading

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And now my head’s been filled with doubt…

I’ve had a lot of thoughts going through my head lately that I feel like I need to write about. I guess for starters I’ll say, this a post about my faith. Or at this point, lack of faith. I have doubts. Not in the fact that God is real, or in the fact that he loves me. It’s just that sometimes, despite all the assurances I get to the contrary, I doubt that everything’s going to turn out for my best. And lately, with the vast array of disappointments that seem to barrage me, these doubts seem to be getting stronger.

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Now’s as good a time as any to begin again

So I realize I’ve been silent for quite awhile.  That is bound to happen with me.  Writing for me is therapy, and sometimes I need that therapy more than others.  The past few weeks have been a little emotional for me, and that has little to do with the big events that have dominated the headlines… Namely the hurricane.  The stuff that is eating me is something I’d hesitate to blog about, since it’s a little personal to me.  I’ll tell you my opinions on many things, but there are some things I won’t talk about.  This may be one of them.

Then again, there is a good chance I’ll discuss it in my next entry.  Who knows?  What good is my therapy if I can’t talk about what’s eating me?

But I don’t want to start there.  I need a mood lightener tonight, and the best way I find to lighten my mood is to tell stories.  Here is the story of why I will no longer trust Disembodied Announcer Voices.  I have trust issues, I think.  Mine involve trusting strangers entirely too much, and not trusting my friends enough.  (I might have mentioned something that’s eating me right there…..  Therapy!)  Anyway, I’m way off my topic.  So here’s my story. Continue reading

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Yesterday’s gone, tomorrow’s an illusion

On Friday, I got the privilege of seeing a band I’d known about for many years, but only recently got into. Yes, there are others besides Crowder… This one would be Burlap to Cashmere (and as far as I know they don’t have plans to break up. Although it may take them another 13 years to come out with another album. Who knows?

This show was pretty intimate, which I enjoyed. Before the show, the band was hanging back at the bar, chatting with fans, etc. I saw them talking to a very short guy with long blond hair, who ended up being Martin Rivas, the opening act. He was good, nothing much to say about that. I was busy drinking vodka tonics and trying to look cute in case there were any single guys around. There weren’t.

Although, some guy tried to pick me up down the street from the venue, while I was killing time outside of a hat shop. He offered to buy me a hat and grab my butt and then wanted to go for drinks. Uhhh, no thanks. But even he was nowhere near the show.

After Martin Rivas, there was an intermission. And Jesus walked in, wearing a trench coat. OK, it wasn’t really Jesus, but he sure looked like the standard depictions of our Lord and Savior. It made the next hour or so seem somehow more blessed, however. Like maybe Jesus was there enjoying the music with us. I’m pretty sure he was…

And what can I say about Burlap? I’d seen them play before, about 4 months ago — the same day I met Brandon Heath. Everything was different though, this time around. The time of day, the venue, the weather…. So this time around I really wasn’t sure what to expect. Unlike the last time, there were no issues with the sound system. There were more people. There was alcohol. And there were extra band members. All of which made things that much better.

After I got over the fact that my cuteness didn’t attract any of the single guys in the crowd (darn!), I actually really enjoyed being there by myself, just standing in the back and enjoying the music. Burlap to Cashmere is a fun band to wach. They’re headed back to Sullivan Hall next month, and I’m looking forward to going back — whether or not I’m going alone remains to be seen.

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All This For A King

Today is a happy yet sad day for me. David Crowder Band’s latest album is out today, and I can’t wait to hear it. On the other hand, this will be their last, and I’m completely bummed. I will really miss them. In case all my blogs about them aren’t an indication, I’ve really come to appreciate the band and what they’ve done for worship music. They single handedly restored my faith that it doesn’t have t0 be boring. Because before I discovered them, that’s basically how I felt about that genre. Continue reading

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Waiting for something beautiful

“You may feel alone when you’re falling asleep
And every time tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you’ve yet to meet
Someday you will be loved.”

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Everybody wants to go to heaven… But nobody wants to die

It occurred to me just now that four years ago today, January 3, was probably the last time I saw my mom as a somewhat independent person. The last time I had a coherent conversation with her. Four years ago today she went into the hospital, because she felt like she was having a stroke. She left a couple weeks later doped up on pain killers and with a death sentence brought on by multiple myeloma. Four years is a long time not to speak to your mom. She may have died almost two months later, but her death began that day. The death of who she really was.

I think about it now as something factual and scientific, but that’s just now. Sometimes I get really sad, sometimes I get really mad. Sometimes I get happy that at the very least she is done suffering and sometimes I count the moments until I can be with her again. Death brings with it a jumble of emotions, especially the kind of death that cancer brings. Today I’m a bit numb. Sometimes the emotions are just too much.

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