lolopalooza

I’ve been wanting to write about this journey I’ve been on for awhile, but I’ve never really known what to say. I can talk a lot about this subject (and did at one point in a blog post, before I discarded the entire thing because it just got too long). I guess I’ll start with this…

I used to be fat. And it’s still a very strange thing for me to be able to add the “used to be” part, because a lot of the time I don’t really feel all that different. I know I’ve lost a lot of weight and fat, because I wear smaller sizes, can squish myself into smaller spaces, and see less chin in photos that are taken of me. But for some reason, I still don’t “feel” thin.

Continue reading →

I came across this, which I wrote on July 3, 2011, the eve of what would have been my mom’s 66th birthday.  I never shared it.  This month marks 5 years of being without her, so I figure I’ll start off the month with this.  It’s as much a tribute to my friends as it is to her.  I realize, the more I think about it, my friends have rather large shoes to fill, and I appreciate them for it.

________________________________________________________

Continue reading →

This is kind of a follow up to the blog I wrote 3 weeks ago. I can’t say I feel any better about my situation. I still doubt. I can’t help it. Faith in something you can’t see is hard, even though that really is the definition of faith. But tonight I learned that even though the situations might not be what I want, and that I might not be happy, I can still say it is well with my soul. Continue reading →

I’ve had a lot of thoughts going through my head lately that I feel like I need to write about. I guess for starters I’ll say, this a post about my faith. Or at this point, lack of faith. I have doubts. Not in the fact that God is real, or in the fact that he loves me. It’s just that sometimes, despite all the assurances I get to the contrary, I doubt that everything’s going to turn out for my best. And lately, with the vast array of disappointments that seem to barrage me, these doubts seem to be getting stronger.

Continue reading →

It occurred to me just now that four years ago today, January 3, was probably the last time I saw my mom as a somewhat independent person. The last time I had a coherent conversation with her. Four years ago today she went into the hospital, because she felt like she was having a stroke. She left a couple weeks later doped up on pain killers and with a death sentence brought on by multiple myeloma. Four years is a long time not to speak to your mom. She may have died almost two months later, but her death began that day. The death of who she really was.

I think about it now as something factual and scientific, but that’s just now. Sometimes I get really sad, sometimes I get really mad. Sometimes I get happy that at the very least she is done suffering and sometimes I count the moments until I can be with her again. Death brings with it a jumble of emotions, especially the kind of death that cancer brings. Today I’m a bit numb. Sometimes the emotions are just too much.