If there is one thing in my life that I have been adamantly against, it’s online dating. Please don’t get me wrong on this. I have no problem with the concept. Last month I saw a very dear friend I’ve known since college get married to a wonderful guy she met on a dating site. And they are so happy, and it totally worked for them. And for many other friends too. My problem is, it never worked for me.

I’ve tried it in the past. I tried one site years and years ago, with very bad results. Most guys, upon seeing my picture (which I withheld until I thought they knew me well enough to give me a chance, even though I’m not photogenic) closed the match once they saw my picture. And that didn’t do much to make me feel photogenic or good about my withhold the picture strategy.

Two guys got to an actual phone conversation with me. One guy from Pennsylvania was crazy, and told me he had enemies who gave him botulism and were trying to shoot him. Oh-kaaaaaaay. Time for me to walk away slowly and not turn my back until he’s at a safe distance. Then run.

Guy #2 was from Ohio, and told me he really liked me and enjoyed our conversations, and he wanted to stay friends no matter what. He was a little controlling, it seemed, but I was willing to at least see what he was like in person. We were planning on meeting for MLK weekend. Then (he claimed) his grandma had a stroke the Friday before. Did she? I’m not one to judge. It could have just been really bad timing. But consider the fact that a month later, he told me, “Oh by the way, I’m dating a girl who lives way closer to me, so bye!” This smells of I-didn’t-really-want-to-meet-you.

Shortly after all that I got a boyfriend at work, closed out my dating profile, and got dumped 3 whole months later. I didn’t go back to online dating… Until 2 years ago when I decided to give another site a try. I was largely ignored, except by one guy who I wasn’t attracted to, and one guy whose profile picture included only his eyes and nose, and whose handle was “BURSTING”. I gave the site 6 months and this was the best they could do.

Lately I’ve been very frustrated by the prospects for dating in my life. One guy who shared a lot of the same interests, and who everybody thought would be a great match, seems ignorant of what’s under his nose. Either that or he doesn’t think we’d be a perfect match, so I’ve given up.

Another guy who everyone believed was into me, keeps telling me, “Girls keep thinking I’m into them when I’m really not.” This must be his subtle way of saying, “I’m not into you.” He comes to me for all sorts of advice like, “How do I tell a girl I’m interested?” “How do I tell a girl I’m not interested?” “Are my pants too tight?” Yes, he asked me that. We’re completely in the friend zone at this point. And the more I get to know him, the more I realize it’s not a bad thing.

There is a third guy, whom we’ll call Starbuck, who I still haven’t given up on, but who seems clueless. I can’t get more conversation than, “Hi, how was your week?” and “Bye, see you next week!” as we’re passing each other in church. And I’ve tried for more, but he seems like he’s always in a hurry to leave. I’m not holding out much hope for him either.

After hearing my tale of, “Starbuck was a no-show at church” today for the billionth time, my little brother/bestie suggested online dating again. He knows all my past frustrations, but keeps suggesting it. I want to give it one more try, because I’m down to nothing right now, but the past has kind of ruined my opinion of it.

I’m no good on paper. Aside from my lack of photogenicity (is that even a word?) I hate filling out bios, and I just keep thinking, “I don’t want people to read me. I want people to meet me!” I am way more than a list to be judged by. What if the guy thinks I’m not supermodel-ish enough? What if he judges me by my music tastes or hobbies? Why do I have to look so good in 2 dimensions, while he gets to sit around in his boxers, listen to Katy Perry, and decide I am not good enough for him?

Do you get the impression I feel judged by my past online dating prospects?

However, if a guy is really gonna judge me on paper or screen and decide I’m not good enough for him, maybe he’s the loser and I’m being protected from having to deal with a jerk. Have I just defeated my own best argument against online dating? I might have. Grrrr. Anybody wanna help me with my profile?